Sleep freaking!

Thanks to a lovely lady, I've just remember something else that used to happen during Sophia's sleep when she was smaller. If Sophia was nervous or worrying about anything, she would naturally have bad dreams like any other child but there was no way you could go in and comfort her easily. If you attempted to soothe or cuddle her, you would end up really freaking her out in her sleep. The reaction was very similar to the distressed meltdowns she would have when she was awake and sometimes you weren't entirely sure she wasn't still asleep.

We approached it the same way we would her waking meltdowns (if you don't know that story, see http://ourrainbowrose.blogspot.com/2011/05/down-side.html). I'd put on some nice music and say in a soft, slow, low tone of voice, 'Its ok Sophia, shhhhh.....go back to sleep'. You say the same thing, the same way, every time. It took about a week but she started to respond because it became like a key calming-down phrase for her. It turns out that children in that state can hear and respond to a calm, low voice of someone they know, no matter how loud the screaming! You'll be pleased to know that Sophia doesn't freakout in her sleep anymore. In fact, an odd point of proof that she was hearing me in those difficult moments.....whenever I'm freaking out - she uses the very same phrase on me!!!

Sleep....? A strange and unusual creature?

Sleep....hmmm. Not since I was 5 months pregnant with Sophia. I can't remember the last time I slept solidly through the night. I think I've just gotten used to it now. On the rare occasion that Sophia sleeps through the whole night, I wake up with fright and I have to go and check her!

Even from newborn, Sophia didn't sleep like other babies seemed to. Naturally, routine has had it benefits but only as she got a bit older. When she was a wee baby, there was only one way to get her to sleep and that was to let her go to sleep on the boob. That's it. The number of people that said not to do that...well....getting up to a baby every 20 minutes....you get to the point that if you can find something that works - you'll use it and I was never going to make the supermum ranks anyway. We would have some nights where she would finally go to sleep just after 10pm. If she was asleep at 7 or 8, she'd be awake at 11pm and not settled again till just past 1am. And we had a better chance of getting her to sleep and staying asleep if she was asleep in my arms. Even though I was in the habit of getting things done around her while she slept during the day (even vacuuming), she could wake at the drop of a hat during the night. That has only changed since she was about 3 and a half. Even so, she will still wake in the night and crawl into our bed anywhere between 3 and 5am.

When she stopped asking for milk at bedtime, around 18 months (she pretty much stopped with all naps after then too), we gave her a bedtime supper instead and incorporated stories. She has alway loved books so its been easy to set up a routine involving stories. Every now and then we have to adjust the routine because it simply stops working.

At the moment she goes to bed at 7pm and is up and down like an energizer bunny till around 8.30. These days we're able to blackmail her into only getting up if she really needs something - she gets and extra story the next night if she stays in bed. Now and then, when she's having a wee growth spurt...she's up at around 4am - wide awake and ready to go with a hungry body and a hungry mind.

'Send her back to bed!' I hear you cry? Yeeeeees.....try that - go back to sleep and in about 10 mins you'll hear, 'Mamma, Mamma - I've got bacteria in my body!'. So you mumble something like, 'yes honey but you need it - some bacteria is good bacteria, go back to sleep'. And just as you sink deeply into sleep again you'll hear (in about 10 mins), ''Mamma, Mamma - I've got broken bones and scabs!' (which of course she doesn't) and this will go on until you lose your marbles and raise your voice, 'Enough! Go back to bed!'. And then after much sniffling, you will hear something like, 'But Mamma, what about my broken bones?' and, 'Mamma, I neeeed you!' and lately its....'But Mamma, I'm starving hungry!' By now...you are fully awake and thoroughly annoyed at 5 in the morning.

So....these days I just get up. I get her something to eat and drink. I put the educational TV program on that she's got firmly fixed in her mind which can be anything from DirtGirl or Magic School Bus to a doco on the human body, or the pyramids (she only gets rubbish if she's sick lol). I make sure she's got what she needs and then I tuck myself up on the other sofa and go back to sleep. This way - we both get what we want.

Social Difficulties

Every child needs contact with other children. I think its doubly important for gifted or bright children but it needs to be handled with sensitivity and patience. Many many gifted children have social connection difficulties and Sophia has been no exception. I have noticed (with a little sad lilt in my heart) that even as 2 & 3 yr olds, the other kids seemed to pick up that she was a bit different and the 'bullies-in-bud' went straight for her. 

So Sophia and I did playgroups and playdates (of same age kids) where its social for kids and parents. A little later on we did playcentres, where the parents get to stay. She's now four and a half, she's going to a childcare centre with extra staff that take the time to understand her and meet her needs.  We started her on half days twice a week and now its 3 half days a week. She does that on her own, which most days she's happy to do. There is the odd child, she has trouble with....and many mornings she will focus on that child and say she doesn't want to go because of them. We acknowledge that she has difficulty with that child and why - then we point out all the things she likes to do while she's at the centre and that it would be a shame to miss out. I think it took about 2 weeks (going 2x a week then) to get her out of the habit of getting very upset because 'so-and-so' was there. I would go in with her, with a view to having to stay for the next 40 minutes, till she settled. If you make sure that time is there - its not a problem. Take heart....over time - that gets shorter.

Sophia has a key person who takes over from me when we arrive and I get them to tell her to 'say bye bye'. It's like a clockwork charm now....almost instantly comfortable with me going. I always tell her I'll back after she's had her lunch so she knows exactly when to expect me again. If she can't seem to settle and is still distressed at me leaving, we use a distracting focus for her which is almost always the computer or a puzzle of some kind. These little rituals (not too rigid) have helped immeasurably with this issue.

Now school is looming and I can imagine that some people are saying - what are you going to do then. Well here's the thing - although people generally start their kids at school in NZ at 5, legally - you don't actually have to until they're 6. In fact, just about everywhere else in the western world - they don't start till their 6 because that's when they're emotionally ready. Quite frankly, we know Sophia needs the academic stimulation but we don't believe that she will be emotionally ready so we plan to encourage her to go everyday and for the days she can't cope - we will take her school work home. We plan to talk to the school about it of course but in reality - they will have to work with us on this until she's 6. There's is flexibility and room to move on this issue so why not use it.

Tough Love....?

Good Luck with that!! Doesn't work with the gifted sensitive child. What it does do is leave them with nightmares for weeks. If you get a kick out of emotional meltdowns every time a situation reminds your child of the 'tough-love' episode and getting up every 20 minutes to help your child while she weeps & wails in her sleep....go for it!
I wouldn't recommend it. The sleep techniques where you wait for 4 minutes, go in - calm her down - go out - wait again - go in - calm her down - go out - wait again.......yea - what a crock! Doesn't work. It goes on and on and on and when she finally drops off to sleep - it's because she's exhausted. Night after night. It can take two weeks some say....way to go to really traumatise your child - let it sit in her mind that you won't be there for her when she needs you. I'll debate till the cows come home that that approach has any healthy effect with a sensitive child.

When it comes to being out of the home, in the care of another - I will also debate the so called 'necessity' of  a toddler learning to be independent of their parents - especially when that toddler is the sensitive type. In the child's mind, when you walk away and leave them somewhere they don't feel comfortable with, they think you have abandoned them. It doesn't matter whether or not it's true - that's how they remember it and if they process that perception into a core belief, you've got some real problems in the making. This is particularly true if they are unfortunate enough for life's events to continue reinforce the idea that they have been put aside. This can happen with small events like having difficulty fitting in and making friends to huge events like divorce or the death of a parent.

People get quite judgmental - they say you're spoiling or molly-coddling. Stick to your instincts - you know the difference between attention seeking, paddy's and distress and it's very, very distinct. Pre-school teachers are fond of implying that the problem is really yours and you're too clingy (sometimes in my case - it could be true lol but not always, by any means). Sophia is learning to be independent from her parents in small, gentle, patient steps. I think she's better for it and so are we. And why not, if you are able.