Further notes on education

Had a really 'interesting' moment at Sophia's pre-school yesterday which gave me a little insight on educator attitudes. One of the teachers had taken the kids across to the park to have a bit of fun with a home-made rocket. I'm not entirely sure what they were doing - it can't have been too advanced or crazy because the kids are only four but they were asked to draw about their experience afterwards. Sophia starts to do the scribbly thing she often likes to do...just toddler kind of stuff really. The teacher says to her, 'no, no sweetie -- why don't you draw the rocket.' So Sophia then does the other type of drawing she likes (it's almost split-personality-ish) which is fairly accurate kind of stuff. She draws the rocket with the windows and the sun and the teacher with all her fingers and toes etc.....and the teacher just couldn't believe what she was seeing.

But this is what a parent of a gifted child means when they say, 'they just need a little encouragement.' That little bit of encouragement just to think a little differently can achieve vastly different results. I suspect this is the difference that occurs when they get to school. Teachers that leave the gifted to just do what they do because (being very bright) these kids don't need assistance.....are cheating that child of their potential.

When Sophia was three we decided it was time for her to go to kindergarten for social purposes and because it was a learning environment that might help to keep her little mind stimulated. When we observed one of the teachers telling her off for smudging letters on the board when she was trying to read them, we called a meeting with the teachers and we told them of her abilities. We said that she 'just needs a little encouragement'. I think they heard....'I want you to help me get my kid into university when they're 8'. They were instantly intimidated and kept saying....'children need to play at that age'. We took her out of there because of the number of times we observed Sophia being left to her own devices. They weren't even bothering to encourage her to socialise with the other kids in the end.

Attitude changes when it's a gifted child involved in discussion between educators and parents. The reaction from the educator is either keen curiosity or fear. When a child does things outside the expected outcomes for their age group, the accusation that we are cheating our kids of their childhood by pushing them to learn things they don't need to know yet is often soon to follow. That comes from the idea that 'this is a child that doesn't fit 'the box' and I've got to fix it! These parents must be shown the error of their terrible ways!'

Here's a pearl of insight for that type of educator......gifted kids don't need 'pushing'. They initiate the subject they're interested in themselves. And with a little encouragement, they can fly where ever they want to go.

Children need to play at every age, at any level of development. Where is it written that learning can't be play? Play is learning - is it any different if you're playing with words or playdough? Or both!  Why is it that if a child is three or four....any 'learning' isn't perceived as play? When a child initiates learning about a subject, why discourage them because of their age? Aside from having to restrict age appropriate material, why discourage a passion for learning?.

Some would say let the teachers find out for themselves and then they'll change their attitude. I don't believe that attitude ever changes. What happens instead is that teacher ends up with too much time to damage the passion a child can have for learning before you, as a parent, can find out.

Attitude is everything in my book and doubly important for a gifted child from the very start. I'm still saying...cut to the chase...use the words we're all uncomfortable with and ask your child's teacher straight out - 'what's your attitude to gifted children'. You'll know inside of 30 seconds whether or not they are going to have a chance at meeting your child's educational needs. And when you say, 'they just need a little encouragement', make sure that's exactly what the teacher understands.

 

Oh Dinosaur!

Here's a little gem to put a smile on your dial! Sophia (4yrs) and I were sitting in bed this morning, talking about dinosaurs. She tells me she is a Tyrannosaurus Rex and I am a Stegasaurus. Good good...she often  talks about these things....loves the whole herbivore, carnivore and omnivore thing as well.....

Well...you just never know what these kids are absorbing :) We get up and we're walking through the kitchen when she informs me that I'm a quadriped and she is a biped!

So curious to know how much she's discovered because this information wasn't in our earlier discussion, I enquire, "Whats a quadraped then?"
"It walks on four legs and is quite slow," she says.
"So what's a biped then?"
"It uses two legs and is very very fast!"

Ahahahah! Delightful!

Dramatic Play

No problems there....she's right into at the moment....and where she gets the stuff - I'm not entirely sure. Yesterday we both had to be Masterchefs (her words) and in the afternoon, she was a tattoo artist-teake (and that one has got me mystified). And this is every day at the moment. She's also very keen to imitate the movement of programs and movies - even when they are not inactive. It's pretty funny to watch her dancing away with Silvermist and then falling into 'the pond' at the end. Everything copied to the letter.

She'll also put on shows and spend some time working out a costume and setting up the books in the lounge to make a 'stage' with 'lights'. If I could just get her to pretend to be a stagehand and put it all away afterwards, we'll be sweet!

Sleep freaking!

Thanks to a lovely lady, I've just remember something else that used to happen during Sophia's sleep when she was smaller. If Sophia was nervous or worrying about anything, she would naturally have bad dreams like any other child but there was no way you could go in and comfort her easily. If you attempted to soothe or cuddle her, you would end up really freaking her out in her sleep. The reaction was very similar to the distressed meltdowns she would have when she was awake and sometimes you weren't entirely sure she wasn't still asleep.

We approached it the same way we would her waking meltdowns (if you don't know that story, see http://ourrainbowrose.blogspot.com/2011/05/down-side.html). I'd put on some nice music and say in a soft, slow, low tone of voice, 'Its ok Sophia, shhhhh.....go back to sleep'. You say the same thing, the same way, every time. It took about a week but she started to respond because it became like a key calming-down phrase for her. It turns out that children in that state can hear and respond to a calm, low voice of someone they know, no matter how loud the screaming! You'll be pleased to know that Sophia doesn't freakout in her sleep anymore. In fact, an odd point of proof that she was hearing me in those difficult moments.....whenever I'm freaking out - she uses the very same phrase on me!!!

Sleep....? A strange and unusual creature?

Sleep....hmmm. Not since I was 5 months pregnant with Sophia. I can't remember the last time I slept solidly through the night. I think I've just gotten used to it now. On the rare occasion that Sophia sleeps through the whole night, I wake up with fright and I have to go and check her!

Even from newborn, Sophia didn't sleep like other babies seemed to. Naturally, routine has had it benefits but only as she got a bit older. When she was a wee baby, there was only one way to get her to sleep and that was to let her go to sleep on the boob. That's it. The number of people that said not to do that...well....getting up to a baby every 20 minutes....you get to the point that if you can find something that works - you'll use it and I was never going to make the supermum ranks anyway. We would have some nights where she would finally go to sleep just after 10pm. If she was asleep at 7 or 8, she'd be awake at 11pm and not settled again till just past 1am. And we had a better chance of getting her to sleep and staying asleep if she was asleep in my arms. Even though I was in the habit of getting things done around her while she slept during the day (even vacuuming), she could wake at the drop of a hat during the night. That has only changed since she was about 3 and a half. Even so, she will still wake in the night and crawl into our bed anywhere between 3 and 5am.

When she stopped asking for milk at bedtime, around 18 months (she pretty much stopped with all naps after then too), we gave her a bedtime supper instead and incorporated stories. She has alway loved books so its been easy to set up a routine involving stories. Every now and then we have to adjust the routine because it simply stops working.

At the moment she goes to bed at 7pm and is up and down like an energizer bunny till around 8.30. These days we're able to blackmail her into only getting up if she really needs something - she gets and extra story the next night if she stays in bed. Now and then, when she's having a wee growth spurt...she's up at around 4am - wide awake and ready to go with a hungry body and a hungry mind.

'Send her back to bed!' I hear you cry? Yeeeeees.....try that - go back to sleep and in about 10 mins you'll hear, 'Mamma, Mamma - I've got bacteria in my body!'. So you mumble something like, 'yes honey but you need it - some bacteria is good bacteria, go back to sleep'. And just as you sink deeply into sleep again you'll hear (in about 10 mins), ''Mamma, Mamma - I've got broken bones and scabs!' (which of course she doesn't) and this will go on until you lose your marbles and raise your voice, 'Enough! Go back to bed!'. And then after much sniffling, you will hear something like, 'But Mamma, what about my broken bones?' and, 'Mamma, I neeeed you!' and lately its....'But Mamma, I'm starving hungry!' By now...you are fully awake and thoroughly annoyed at 5 in the morning.

So....these days I just get up. I get her something to eat and drink. I put the educational TV program on that she's got firmly fixed in her mind which can be anything from DirtGirl or Magic School Bus to a doco on the human body, or the pyramids (she only gets rubbish if she's sick lol). I make sure she's got what she needs and then I tuck myself up on the other sofa and go back to sleep. This way - we both get what we want.

Social Difficulties

Every child needs contact with other children. I think its doubly important for gifted or bright children but it needs to be handled with sensitivity and patience. Many many gifted children have social connection difficulties and Sophia has been no exception. I have noticed (with a little sad lilt in my heart) that even as 2 & 3 yr olds, the other kids seemed to pick up that she was a bit different and the 'bullies-in-bud' went straight for her. 

So Sophia and I did playgroups and playdates (of same age kids) where its social for kids and parents. A little later on we did playcentres, where the parents get to stay. She's now four and a half, she's going to a childcare centre with extra staff that take the time to understand her and meet her needs.  We started her on half days twice a week and now its 3 half days a week. She does that on her own, which most days she's happy to do. There is the odd child, she has trouble with....and many mornings she will focus on that child and say she doesn't want to go because of them. We acknowledge that she has difficulty with that child and why - then we point out all the things she likes to do while she's at the centre and that it would be a shame to miss out. I think it took about 2 weeks (going 2x a week then) to get her out of the habit of getting very upset because 'so-and-so' was there. I would go in with her, with a view to having to stay for the next 40 minutes, till she settled. If you make sure that time is there - its not a problem. Take heart....over time - that gets shorter.

Sophia has a key person who takes over from me when we arrive and I get them to tell her to 'say bye bye'. It's like a clockwork charm now....almost instantly comfortable with me going. I always tell her I'll back after she's had her lunch so she knows exactly when to expect me again. If she can't seem to settle and is still distressed at me leaving, we use a distracting focus for her which is almost always the computer or a puzzle of some kind. These little rituals (not too rigid) have helped immeasurably with this issue.

Now school is looming and I can imagine that some people are saying - what are you going to do then. Well here's the thing - although people generally start their kids at school in NZ at 5, legally - you don't actually have to until they're 6. In fact, just about everywhere else in the western world - they don't start till their 6 because that's when they're emotionally ready. Quite frankly, we know Sophia needs the academic stimulation but we don't believe that she will be emotionally ready so we plan to encourage her to go everyday and for the days she can't cope - we will take her school work home. We plan to talk to the school about it of course but in reality - they will have to work with us on this until she's 6. There's is flexibility and room to move on this issue so why not use it.

Tough Love....?

Good Luck with that!! Doesn't work with the gifted sensitive child. What it does do is leave them with nightmares for weeks. If you get a kick out of emotional meltdowns every time a situation reminds your child of the 'tough-love' episode and getting up every 20 minutes to help your child while she weeps & wails in her sleep....go for it!
I wouldn't recommend it. The sleep techniques where you wait for 4 minutes, go in - calm her down - go out - wait again - go in - calm her down - go out - wait again.......yea - what a crock! Doesn't work. It goes on and on and on and when she finally drops off to sleep - it's because she's exhausted. Night after night. It can take two weeks some say....way to go to really traumatise your child - let it sit in her mind that you won't be there for her when she needs you. I'll debate till the cows come home that that approach has any healthy effect with a sensitive child.

When it comes to being out of the home, in the care of another - I will also debate the so called 'necessity' of  a toddler learning to be independent of their parents - especially when that toddler is the sensitive type. In the child's mind, when you walk away and leave them somewhere they don't feel comfortable with, they think you have abandoned them. It doesn't matter whether or not it's true - that's how they remember it and if they process that perception into a core belief, you've got some real problems in the making. This is particularly true if they are unfortunate enough for life's events to continue reinforce the idea that they have been put aside. This can happen with small events like having difficulty fitting in and making friends to huge events like divorce or the death of a parent.

People get quite judgmental - they say you're spoiling or molly-coddling. Stick to your instincts - you know the difference between attention seeking, paddy's and distress and it's very, very distinct. Pre-school teachers are fond of implying that the problem is really yours and you're too clingy (sometimes in my case - it could be true lol but not always, by any means). Sophia is learning to be independent from her parents in small, gentle, patient steps. I think she's better for it and so are we. And why not, if you are able.